I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10 and say "Hey man, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology. - Mitch Hedberg.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=uPu8453j1m8#t=173s

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!" So it said, "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! - Mitch Hedberg. Mitch All Together, track 11 "Three Easy Payments".